i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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