3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
