I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
