its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize