If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize