Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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