Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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