my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
