Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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