Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
