He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize