Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
