I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
