I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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