I love having hate sex.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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