Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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