i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
