I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
