watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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