just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
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