if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
