Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
