mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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