There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She said her name was "party"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
