Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Randomize
