Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
