Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
