I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
