that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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