I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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