I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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