My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
