Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
