Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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