I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize