When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
