I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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