Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
