Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
