I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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