The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
