Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize