I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
