My first STD was from a foam party
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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