College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
