Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
