Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize