The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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