1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
