Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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