My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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