So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
