Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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